I’m in love with myself. Well… parts of me actually so not all of me just some of me. And we’re talking about my body now I’m not delving into loving me for who I am, loving the insides. It’s basic self absorbed love.
Let’s be frank we all need that something to keep us going right? For me I like to feel biceps under the flab after lifting weights. It’s kind of like my own little secret. I know they are there even though no one else can see them. It’s that type of incentive that really makes me happy about spending hours working out all week. Some weeks the scale might not budge or I might wake up bloated from something I ate the night before but it’s the promise of a physical surprise that keeps me interested.
I am no where near done with my weight loss. There is still a lot of work to do but I am more than half way there. So lately I’ve been finding glimpses of the new me and I always discover them when I least expect to. When I find them I’m sure I have a snarky little smile and in my head I make comments like “Hey, hello there… Wow you’re tight today… or Yeah that’s what I’m talking about” . If only you could be in my head.
The other day I had an itch on my shoulder. I don’t remember where I was at the time because all I can remember is the fact that I noticed how strong my shoulder felt. I proceeded to touch it and hold it while moving it into different positions to feel how it changes. Then I wondered if I have that indent I so desperately want to see. You know the one right where the muscles all converge at the edge. I then proceeded to touch my shoulder the rest of the day. In fact writing about it now makes me want to touch it. That day it didn’t matter what the rest of me looked like because I was in love with my shoulders.
It just follows the same route a couple of times a week. My hand will graze a part of my body I’v not paid attention to for a while and notice the squishy flesh that once covered it is now making way for muscle definition and I’m mesmerized by it. In one class it became potentially hazardous. I was working in a class where we were doing circuits and I was doing the circuit that involved stepping on and off a step. Pretty simple right? It would have been if it weren’t in front of a mirror. I hate working out in front of mirrors so I wasn’t really checking myself out. But then I noticed that as I stepped up and down there was clear thigh separation. It’s no big secret, I have fat thighs. The kind that have made me give up wearing shorts because I spend way too much time pulling them down. So any suggestion of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel or to be more exact the light between my thighs was big. So big that I lost focus on what I was doing and tripped myself up on the step almost catapulting me straight into the mirror. Good thing everyone was too interested in the fact that they couldn’t catch their breath to notice.
I even occasionally draw my friends and family in on the craziness and at least they love me enough to humor me. I was with some friends last weekend and noticed while in the bathroom that I could see my collarbone. I got all excited and just had to show them and they all understood my excitement and were loving enough to humor me for a while. I’ll walk up to my husband at the end of the day and show him my imaginary biceps and he’ll give them a squeeze.
So my whole body isn’t where I want it to be but parts of it are and I constantly find bits and pieces that are really showing potential. When I see them I give them the love they deserve. Those shoulders worked hard to get that way and I love them for it.
That’s what keeps me going.